The Vegas Guest List Competition

E-Mail us with the most far-fetched, amusing, surreal, humorous, insulting, ingratiating, obsequious or improbable reason why we should put you on the Vegas VIP list for the next Vegas bash in Edinburgh (see events page for dates).
The best three suggestions receive 2 free tickets and winning entries posted on the site (e-mail us now by clicking here).

(In no particular order)

We met at the Hi-Ball. Thats right, The Hi-Ball Lounge, in North Beach. Thats San Francisco baby. In the heart of the re-birth of cool, when crazy cats first shaved off their Seattle grunge, splashed on a fedora, and sipped martinis while groovin to the licks of Indigo Swing and our favorite lady Lavay. When you had to wear a tie just to get into Spencers, and you had to have some hot moves if you wanted to sweat up the dance floor with the cool kittens that hung out there. She didnt say a word to me the first few times I saw her. But shed dance. Oh god would she. Could she. She covered me like the softest down blanket light as a feather, but warm just where I wanted her. Which was swingin the blues in my arms, as the night grew late, the fog rolled in off the Bay, and the tourists headed home for the night.
The years go by, that Miss becomes my Missus. What can I say? Guy can only eat so much empty candy. Eventually he needs to settle down, get a real deal. Mines draggin me halfway round the world this year, where a holiday is a vacation, and Vegas is a 3-movie flight away. Throwing out the gin for some of Edinburghs finest whisky come July 12.

The mean streets where I grew if you ask for something you better have a good reason. When I asked her to marry me, I brought some ice that would make a pit boss pinky proud. And when you ask me why youll be adding three names to the guest list, not just two, its because well be road tripping with her sister. If you can get your tongue to work, youll call her Mae. Thats Mandarin for beautiful. But you knew that. More likely, youll just shake your head, shake my hand and say, Glad to see ya, bud, whattya drinkin?

Swingcat Steve, USA

Ok, so Joliet, Illinois is not Vegas, and 'the Sting' (if anyone reading
has never seen this classic film, then shame on you) has nothing to do with
the place, but somehow it's format seems strangely appropriate:

the players
the organiser - 'mental mark'
the driver - 'sober stu' - that's me
the steamer - 'sozzled steve'
the dark horse - 'jigging jules'
the coolcat - 'smooth stu'
the looker - 'vivacious vicky'

the set-up
So there we were, 6 vagabonds on the look-out for something a bit
different, away from the cheesy tunes of the usual haunts. So off to Ayr
it was, a bit of culture at Culzean Castle's Royal Gala concert followed by
a bit of swing at Vegas. Dressed to the nines, with trilby's, pin-stripe
suits, ruffled shirts, bow ties, tommy guns and blow-up saxophones the
order of the day, we descended onto the muddy grass of Culzean Castle.
Although unenthralled by the 'entertainment' on offer, the curious glances
and comments from those more appropriately dressed in hill-walker costume -
ie everybody else - suggested that we were providing plenty entertainment
ourselves! Thank goodness for good company, a picturesque setting, knowing
the hamburger man and, of course, the beer tent!!! This no longer felt
like the main event, but merely a warm-up and the highlight of the night so
far (the fireworks to signal the end) meant we were on our way to Vegas...

the hook
Being Vegas Virgins we did not really know what to expect. When we arrived,
we knew we had truly arrived. Groovy music, gorgeous dancing showgirls,
professional jivers, gambling area with alcoholic prizes for roulette wins,
cool-costumed organisers and (for the fortunate five) a fully stocked bar.
Suddenly we no longer looked out of place, in fact we felt like the coolest
cats in town. Yes, we were truly hooked...

the tale
Well, what can I say? A fantastic 3 hours was had by all, and we were left
raving about our experience.
'Mental Mark' simply went mental on the dance floor
'Sozzled Steve' lurched from dance floor to bar to roulette tables to
chatting up local talent to open-mouthed ogling of the eye candy that was
the dancers
'Jigging Jules' simply blew away the quiet reserved tag (well quiet and
reserved when compared to her brother 'mental mark')
'Smooth Stu' swayed and swung and smiled constantly
and 'Vivacious Vicky', who unusually was not 'up for it' prior to arrival,
screamed the loudest for the encores.

As for me? In short:
I danced* - a rarity, unless I'm drunk enough to the point of not being
able to walk.
I danced* sober - simply unheard of.
I danced* sober ALL night - yes, it really was that good!

* "I danced" is a loose term. More apt may be I moved in a ridiculously
unorthodox fashion. Or, in the words of 'Sozzled Steve', I looked like a
right tit !!! Did I care? Well would you when you're having such fun?

the wire
Ok, so my format loses its way a bit here, so I will link this by reference
to the phone number I wish I had. Actually, it's more of an apology to
this particular showgirl as I found it difficult to take my eyes off her all
night, which hopefully was not too unnerving for her. This was a great night out, and
her presence was the icing on a wonderfully enjoyable cake. Show her this
e-mail, it may make her smile, if she ever stops anyway.

the shut-out
We were mistaken as being part of the show due to our dress and the general
apathy for visual participation. Did Ayr not know what to expect from a
Vegas night??? I think those that attended in 'cheesy tune' nightclub gear
will surely get into the true spirit next time, along with the dozens of
friends they will each undoubtedly bring along. Take the fun night had by
all and transport this to Edinburgh or Glasgow where a larger crowd,
dressed and pumped up for the occasion would surely tenfold the fantastic
atmosphere superbly created by Frankie Sumatra.

the sting
On checking out the website for details of the next Glasgow event, I felt
compelled to write this in feedback and then decided to turn it into a
grovel for free tickets. The Sting? Even if I do win them, I wouldn't be
able to go to the Edinburgh night on the 17th. A few of us will likely go
to the Renfrew ferry on May 24th but 'Mental Mark' and the majority of my
friends support the 'other' team and will still be in Seville for some
reason (to be charitable, I actually hope they do win). So the Renfrew
Ferry in June it is then, when Mental Mark the organiser can organise a
gang well into double figures. Freebies for either Glasgow date,
preferably the latter (or both - am I taking this too far now?) really
would make for the ideal night.

the end
thankyou, and goodnight. Uh huh.

Stuart Allan

It was almost 3am. The bar had stopped serving, the music had stopped.
Time to go home. Back to the real world. My heart sank. For 4 or 5 hours
I had been a dancing queen. Part of a glamourous world I had never
experienced before. John had been a war hero. Everywhere we walked
people looked at him. Applauded him for his bravery. Wanted to take his
photo. I felt proud to be on his arm. He had even won first prize in the
fabulously dressed competition, beating off competition from all sorts
of people from so many walks of life; a gangster, a casino croupier,
show girls, sailors and even The King himself. It had been unanimous
though, my soldier was the best dressed man there.
And now it was time for us to leave. Back to hooded tops sneakers, and
odd socks. The clean shaven sharply dressed soldier, would become once
more the stubbly scruffy web developer I had known from the day before.
I bit my lip and held back the tears, vowing that I would return again
some day to this glorious place.

Vicky Davies

Vegas is the place to be,
I'm sure but please let me see!
The stardust casino, awaiting my bet,
Lola las Vegas how could I forget!
I'll play Elvis dollars & hope that I win,
The roulette wheel then goes into a spin!

Then with all my dollars i'm up to the bar,
I'm on my fourth beer of the night so far!
To the dance floor it is with the showgirls so cool*
The place is just swingin' its wonderful!
The 'usual suspects' I see all around,
There's Frankie & Bugsy & Lenny on sound!

It's fantastic, it's ace!
It's my kinda place!
So it's Vegas for me,
And how great it would be,
To be a VIP,
In the coolest club next Saturday!

Marco van Nelson


(To the sound of 'House of Bamboo'- A Williams)

No. '14' door
The place with the swingin' dance floor
Picardy place is where its at
Its even got a Rock on the door
Lenny Love looks glitz*
Playin' his hits
and Bugsy too*
Melting hearts like fondue
Its not made of sticks
Not sticks but bricks
But you can get your kicks
and go dancin' one-two
In the stardust casino
You think your in Reno
Drinking martini, playing roulette
& picking the numbers, winning the dollars
then bop till you drop!
We wanna drop in
& get down to some boppin'
Dancing & Singing
Moving to the swing beats
Elvis & Blue eyes, Dino & Tom Jones
All rock the dancefloor*
We're not yet thro'
and won't be blue
if we boop-y-doo
with the Vegas cool crew**
We want to know
Old Dino'
He pours the cocktails too
In Vegas for you
In the stardust casino
You think your in Reno
Throwin' the dice & drinking Martini
Picking the numbers, Spinning the wheel
Which Stops...........!
We're tellin' you
You'll not be blue
with us & you
The Vegas Star Crew****
No. '14' door
The place with the swingin' dance floor
Picardy place is where its at
Its even got a rock on the door
So can we come Swing too!!

Gillian Leary

Home Safe from Vegas Xmas Party?

Big Elvis and the other dames had already left. Could I do it alone? A simple broad. It was inky black on the waterfront as I helped the boys out of the joint. I scoped out the Merc, it was still there thank god, standing alone across the vacant Lot.The boys were rambling, motormouthing about the tables, the show girls, the lights, the moon, the stolen tinsel. Some big jerk had spiked their liquor for sure. It was down to me now. No bad assed hooch had passed my lips. I bundled them in and headed downtown fast. Those poor babies were suffering something bad, man. I dodged the Heat and beat through the Lowlifes to get them home safe. But a voice inside told me. The mean streets of the city would show us no mercy.

Donated in hope of a safe return.

Jane McLaren

It was the final time that Luscious Lisa and Jonty'The Tommy Gun' Marnoch were going to stoat back to their luxurious central capital apartment. They had lived in this lovely (Yet dangerous) city for a while now and had the time of their lives. If not for the cool cats,
but definitely for the one sole reason they had stayed in Edinburgh for so long VEGAS.

Vegas was everything to this pair, the staff were the warmest, (Especially the showgirls, Jonty thought!) they played the best music this side of the Atlantic and the booze ran on forever.

Although Lisa & Jonty had been planning a move for sometime, they didn't realise that it would be this soon. Jonty's whole 'East coast' operation had failed and the 'Don' wasn't happy with his efforts. They had taken away his pink caddy, stripped his partner of her diamonds and
most importantly stripped her of her fur! (Ouch!)

So after all is said and done what better way for them to have a send off, than to go to their favourite club, VEGAS. And what an entourage they will have with them, the likes of Rob 'The tickler' Gordon, (stay away if your ticklish), 'Krazy' Kim, 'Rachet' Ross, hell I believe even the international man of mystery himself will be there. Yeh Baby!

This couple make Frank and Nancy look like Rosie and Jim, so go on, make this Saturday 29th June 2002 a night for them to remember for luscious Lisa and Jonty'The Tommy Gun' Marnoch cause I'm sure its a night VEGAS won't Forget.

I look forward to seeing you there...


For a night, I was a god !

With preparations for Vegas at Ocean Terminal, my friends and I purchased various outfits in an effort to out show the rest of the cast at Vegas. Sitting in the pub wearing my Elvis wig, glasses and medallion, which I had purchased only minutes before, I announced to my drinking colleges that I couldn't wait for the following week to go out dressed as the king and that Vegas at Ego that evening was on the cards. It was agreed and we had a plan. Various emotions were going through my head prior to the event, could I live up to the Kings standards ?, will I be able to show enough respect to the legend ?, will I be accepted at Vegas ?. Little did I realise that I had nothing to worry about. As soon as the wig and glasses went on I could feel Elvis' spirit rushing through my soul, his energy racing through my veins and could almost hear the 'great man' talking to me.Arriving at Vegas was the same feeling of arriving home with your family waiting for you with open arms. A tremendous reception from girls, guys and gangsters. The night kicked off with extraordinary amount of dancing and lots of serious pointing on top of one the podiums and straight away one of my concerns was answered as Dino announced that Elvis was in the building. The night continued with lots of attention and photos being taken. But not more so than about half way through the night. A couple of very sexy ladies joined me on what was becoming the 'Elvis' podium, both wearing very big blond wigs and dressed like stunning Vegas queens. One holding on to my waste from behind the other in front so close you couldn't get a credit card between us, grinding away to none other than the King's 'Burning Love'. At this point I thanked Elvis for being Elvis and I knew there was a god, and that god is the King of Rock & Roll.

Thank you King and thank you Vegas.


An 'ode' to coming home for Vegas extravaganza !*****
& reason you should put me & my sis on the VIP guest list??

I'm 'Leaving on a jet plane' & 'Comin' home baby'
from Ipswich to the 'Green green grass of home'
& 'For once in my life' I will be going 'Viva Las Vegas'
'Wishin' & Hopin' to be on the VIP guest list!
'Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps'.

Edinburgh is 'My kind of town' cos its not a 'Town without pity'
In fact it's better than 'New York, New York'
& as I walk around the 'Avenues & Alleyways' I get a 'Fever'
Cos its got Vegas the place to 'Face the music & dance'
So 'Help Yourself' & put this 'Big Spender' on the VIP list!
So I can experience some of those 'Magic Moments'.


Fear & Loathing in South Edinburgh

We were somewhere around Marchmont on the edge of the Meadows when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and divimg around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Vegas. And a voice was screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" It was almost noon, and we still had more than a hundred miles to go. They would be tough miles. But there was no going back, and no time to rest. We would have to ride it out. Guest list registration for the fabulous Vegas was already underway. This was Bugsy Seagull's turf. Frankie Sumatra's. Dino Martini's. A high-class refuge for the Big Spenders. Just one hour ago we were sitting in Newington, stone broke and paralysed for the weekend, when a call comes from some total stranger in Glasgow, telling me to go to Vegas and expenses be damned - and then sends me over to some office in Bruntsfield where another total stranger gives me £11.47 raw cash for no reason at all...I tell you this is the American Dream in action. We'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo all the way to the end. I mean, how would Horatio Alger handle this situation?

Raoul Duke & Dr Gonzo


"She had style, that¹s for damn sure.

We ain¹t talking the kinda style you buy with no fancy label, neither. No sir! In this big ol¹ poker game of life she was the whole five aces S and even Moose Moran wouldn¹t call her for cheatin¹ - not even if he was down to his last five G¹s.

But that was the problem, see? Take a look around, buddy. The world ain¹t got no class no more. So whaddaya do if you¹re the last fancy cream eclair in a box full o¹ Twinkies? A dame like her needed a place that was big enough to swing like a cat and not afraid o¹ the claws. That¹s why she had to be at the best party in town come November 16.

Should she be on the guest list for Vegas? Sheesh! If Frank ruled the world, (and who¹s sayin¹ he don¹t?), she¹d never have to ask.

What¹s the alternative? You gonna let yourself get played like second fiddle at the saps convention by some other glass diamond that¹s all sparkle and no shine? Or you gonna let a genu-ine 32 carat rock have her day?
You¹re a gambling man. I¹m guessing you know a good bet when you see one so I figure you¹re gonna do what¹s right. Right?

Let¹s face it S. some people shoot dice for high stakes and get the winnings they deserve. Other guys just play crap. It¹s your call, sport."

See ya Oround.

Sophie Stree

Loosely based around one of Frankies signature tunes (and my personal favourite)

Ain't Vegas a Kick In the Head

How lucky can one guy be
On the guest list, I'm in for free
Like the fella once said
Ain't that eight quid of my bread

The room was completely packed
I hugged her and she moved back
As we're swingin' afloat
Hope there's no holes in this boat

As Frankie keeps spinnin'
I gamble for beer and keep winnin'
If this is just the beginnin'
My night is gonna be beautiful

I've dollars enough to spread
It's just like the fella said
On the list...
Savin' eight quid of my bread

As Dino woos wimmin'
I gamble for beer but ain't winnin'
Bugsy's gettin 'em all grinnin'
My night is already beautiful

She's tellin' me that she's broke
She's picked up another bloke
I couldn't feel any better, or I'd be sick
Tell me quick, ain't Vegas a kick
In the head...


The Glasgow air was thick with the unfamiliar, musty smell of stale, regurgitated buckfast and haggis suppers. It was hot. Clammy. The pair felt as alien to this place as salt and sauce. As Allan "Mister" Whyte and his voluptuous broad darted through the shadows towards the safe haven that was the Barrowlands, they would not yet allow themselves to surrender to the excitement that burned within them like cheap iron brew; not until they were basking in the glow of the bright lights which marked the entrance to their new world would they relax. It would not be long before they were free, free to swing and jive and dance like the crazy mad fools they were; no longer on the run from hard house and cheesy disco but revelling in the musical ecstasy that is the hip sound of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. They had come a long way for this; travelled from coast to coast to experience the thrill they knew they deserved. It was this thought which pressed them on. Allan - a man on the very edge of cool, attired in trilby and pinstripes, held on tight to his broad, she resplendent in an altogether wowing ensemble of red and black. He held on tight, for you never knew what musical evil was lurking in the west coast darkness. "Hey Daddy-O, I'm tired. My feet feel like i've just done a Madison marathon. Can't we just rest here a while?" "It isn't safe honey. Just a few more steps, we're nearly there". But just then, the heroes saw and heard simultaneously, the bright lights leading the way and the trumpet calling them home. In one crazy moment they forgot the danger, and all that mattered to them was the music, the dancing, the vibe. Emerging from the shadows and fleeing towards their music mecca like 2 neds getting caught dealing jellies, their sense of carefree wild abandon was overpowering. Alas though, their joy was short-lived. A mere step away from the door, and the heavy air was suddenly filled with a gut-wrenching BANG. "It's me! It's me" cried Allan. "It's all over now honey. I'm never going to make it. The broad rushed to his side, and caught hold of him just as he hit the deck like spit from a towerblock. "I'm never going to get to see the Daddy now. All my life I've been waiting, but how can I ever show my face in there with burst braces?" He held up the limp pieces of leather and elastic as the final nail in the coffin of his pride. Wiping away a small but not illegitimate tear, Allan pulled himself up and began the long walk back to the bus station, his braces trailing in the pavement vomit but with his ever-faithful broad by his side. "Don't worry sweetie, there's always Vegas in Edinburgh". "But how in the heck are we ever going to afford tickets though? New braces are going to set me back a month's wages....."

(to be continued...)

Frankie, please please please can you put me and my broad on the guestlist for Vegas in Edinburgh on Sat 11th August?!

Allan Whyte

Dear Vegas,

It all started with cocktails in the downstairs bar. There she was checking out wrinkles and laughter lines. There I was, just off the dance floor and sweating like a Child Support Agency officer in a Wester Hailes multi-storey. I thought comparing wrinkles was a little lame but it seemed to work and we were soon on the floor where "snakehips" got to show off some unashemedly silky moves. I could tell she was impressed, the saliva gave it away, but by the time we got to the bar it was closed. God, how time flies when your at Vegas.

Anyway, I suggested we head for the real casino at the West End for more drinks and she agreed. Unfortunately the casino calls last orders at the back of three and it was twenty past. Time for a last ditch attempt and convince her that there was vodka and a red bull waiting for her back at my worked! One of those nights where nothing goes wrong. That was, until she was getting jiggy with Mr.Biggy and I noticed the engagement ring on her finger!! Nightmare, and she only lives a mile away with her husband to be who apparently makes Arnie look like Mr.Muscle!!

By the time she left at 8am to go to her sisters (my cunning plan) I locked up. You know the usual, key, bolt, chest of drawers in front of the door, and headed back to bed. cut a long story short, this is why I need tickets for the VIP list...if Arnie arrives with his bride to be, I'm gonna be wearing concrete shoes faster than you can say it wisnae me!!

Snakehips Little John

Well we're the Queens of the Swingers
Real Vegas VIPs
With sequins and pearls
We get the boys in a whirl
We know you won't disagree.

Sure, we can jazz it up good style
From Marilyn we did descend
We have panache, we have class
With a double dose of sass
And Dean was our Daddy's best friend.

Say ooooooooooh!
Yeah, boop boop be do!
We want to come to Vegas to swing and jive till 2.

Say woweeeeee!
How cool can 2 girls be?
We'll show you if you let us in for free.......... ;)

Love Sarah the Siren and Vikki the Vixen xx Sarah Walker

"With spurs and chaps and wrangler jeans
A single cent and a mustang mare
My head was reeling with my dreams
Of where I'd go to win some beer.
I wandered thru the Texan plains
To find my way to Vegas
But it ended up in vain(s)
Because my hoss had nae-gas
I flew on home to the smoky hews and how i had the cowgirl blues
My cent was spent and all that's here is one young lass with-a-thirst for beer"
But YO! the story can unfold
She's found a place that gives out gold (en beer)
If only she could get there free
She'd gamble,dance and sing with glee
She'd yodle, whoop and shout yeehah!
She'd swing her chaps and prop the bar
You'd know her by her beaming face, her tilted hat and holstered waist.
A worthy cause, I'm sure u'd say
So go make sure she doesn't pay
Her dreams of Vegas can come true
And, buddy-friends, it's down to you..... end of epic plea.

Contributed by Ruth Martin

I have to a confess a fetish. I love my chaps. ( You know those leather bum less horsy trousers) Some would consider the intensity of my feelings rather unhealthy. But there is a bond between us that goes back many years. At the risk of sounding slightly unhinged, I know they return my feelings. The way those beautiful, soft, brown babies fit so snuggly and tightly round my thighs....mmhhhhhh I know I can't be imagining it. Lately, I know they've been feeling neglected. Frankie, its not that my love has faded its just that i don't seem to have the time to spend with them anymore. I tried to wear them to the office, to make them part of my life once more. But to my horror security wouldn't let me through the door... Frankie, I just can't live without my chap's love. Yesterday, (sob, sob) I came home earlier than usual to find them in the airing cupboard with my jodhpur boots. Oh, course they denied everything but I know, I KNOW, there was something going on. Only you can save our love, Frankie help me! My chaps have travelled round the world with me but they have never been to vegas ... When I saw that Vegas, was to be Wild Wild West themed I knew our love could be saved. What else could get our relationship back on track better than a night of funky tunes and fun, fab company. I know if I wear my chaps to Vegas , they'll realise just how dull the jodhpur boots are. How could boots provide such an evening of fun frolics? Please Frankie, if you believe in love, help me, help me please...put me on the guest list...

Contributed by Fiona Clark

"You should put me on the VIP guest list for VEGAS because I was such a huge influence on the success of the last one. If I was not at the black jack table winning drinks for the many ladies around me, I was upstairs dancing on a table making a complete tit of myself. From the moment I blagged a discount on the premise that I was a "blues brother" (even though I didnt have a tie, hat or dark sunglasses) to the return of my lost mobile phone at the end of the night to the moment of madness when I rapped ice ice baby with a human beatbox in the mens toilets I had a fantastic time, and met some of the friendliest night club staff around."

Contributed by David Brazewell

Dear darlings, Why I should be on your guest list? Because I'm a six-foot chocolate satin kitten, a six-inch heel goddess, a six-Martini Ms. with a serious thing for those tunes you play; because I'm more mink than polyester, more midnight than midday, more four-scoop strawberry sundae with whipped cream and hot fudge sauce than SlimFast; because I only live when I dance, only scratch when I'm teased, only wear two things in bed; because I'm GOOD FOR YOU. Because I can chew gum and merengue at the same time but never would. Because Because I've got a heart-shaped birth-mark somewhere you'll never see it unless you are VERY good, because I mix a mean Between The Sheets, because I LUURVE flirting. That's why. Mwah Mwah sweeties, look out for me tomorrow!

Contributed by miss va-va-va voom

The reason I should get 2 free tickets is that I'm a direct descendant of Bugsy Siegel, the founding father of Las Vegas. My grandmother was a Native American who used to "do for" Mr Siegel.

Contributed by Shirley-Ann Tulloch

"Hey there all you funkin' groovers
That's FUNKIN' groovers...and goovular movers
there's a birthday girl bringing a fabulous few
over to get glitzy for a cocktail or twoooooooo....

So on with the sparkle and the jazz and all that,
down to where its happenin' with my cowgirl hat
I'll be celebratin' with Dolly, Neil and Tom
Watch out coz we'll be struttin'.....
Sex Bomb Sex Bomb!!"

"A chick with a taste for Debauchery
My name is synonomous with Calamity
A Vegas fix is what I need
To ride this Chaotic Party Steed!"

"A Show-Girls life seems wild and free
So Frankie's place is the place for me
Lola La Vegas is my only mentor
With Viscount Bisquet as my Tormentor!"

"Johnny Shaft is the man in the groove
But The King is the prince with all the moves
Dino Martino has the voice of the smooth
Bronco Billy never gave this cowgirl the blues"

"So come on! let me party with all the best
(I'll even wear my skimpiest dress..)
And tell all the gang to get on down
'cause it's always groovin' with Vegas in town!"

Waiting around reminds me of better things ahead
An amalgamation of lust not occurring in bed.
Sex up a tree, in the toilet, better in a tent
Gallons of sexual effluvia my body is screaming out to vent.

You can help me here because I'm dying to cum
Wanting to wear some skin-tight belt-dress, accentuating my bum.
Vegas in the Spiegel-tent, Vegas on the Loveboat
Vegas gushing everywhere, here's hoping she wrote.

So I'll shake for you baby,
Driving you crazy
Treat me like a lady
As my evening gets hazy.

Ahoy there me hearties!

But what does this email themed around the wonderous LoveBoat TV show have to do with getting on the VIP list for this Saturday's Vegas, I hear you ask? Well, I thought that :

a) This is a unique way of attracting your attention rather than some of the other poor email attempts you receive, from people who make excuses around gambling etc (not like you've heard them a MILLION times)

b) As the LoveBoat night will be manned by the Vegas crew, it must be a TIP TOP evening out and therefore entitled to as much promotion as possible!

c) Who could miss the chance to discuss cruising, big chimneys and seamen in the same sentence? (hee hee)

Fingers crossed Frankie, that you and the Vegas pack will once again reward me for my numerous hours of research over the Internet in finding you interesting and Top Tips............

Here's hoping! Fingers crossed!

-------- Christine --------

Every week, "The Love Boat" sailed away with new passengers and new problems. We laughed at the crew, but we knew them all. We knew the music, the lyrics, the opening and closing credits. Yes, we were The Love Boat. Each crew member was always ready to fall in love each week (again), and usually scheming to try to get something over on the "stern" (No pun intended)

Certainly, one of the most unusual guests on The Love Boat was Andy Warhol. He played himself (not a difficult job) on the 200th episode (10/12/1985) and displayed just the worst acting seen on network television since William Shatner did anything!

-------- -------- --------

Love Boat Theme by P. Williams, C. Fox as performed by Jack Jones (1977 - 1985) and Dionne Warwick (1985 - 1986)

Love, exciting and new

Come Aboard. We're expecting you.

Love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow, it floats back to you.

The Love Boat soon will be making another run

The Love Boat promises something for everyone

Set a course for adventure,

Your mind on a new romance.

Love won't hurt anymore

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

Yes LOVE! It's LOVE!

Love Boat soon will be making another run

The Love Boat promises something for everyone

Set a course for adventure,

Your mind on a new romance.

Love won't hurt anymore

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's LOVE! It's LOVE! It's LOVE!

It's the Love Boat-ah! It's the Love Boat-ah!

-------- -------- --------

"Signs You're on a Bad Cruise"

10: Brochure boasts that ship was subject of a "60 minutes" expose

9: You see the chef trying to knock pelicans out of the sky with the frisbee

8: Captain refuses to make a move without first consulting Tenille

7: The late Don Ameche keeps turning up in the swimming pool

6: Kathie Lee never stops throwing up

5: Captain has a dead albatross hanging from his neck

4: It's the Scott O'Grady theme cruise, and all they serve you is bugs and rainwater

3: You keep walking in on Gavin Macleod having sex in your cabin

2: Instead of the Lido Deck, they've got the Ito Deck

1: Vessel's name: The S.S. Scurvy

-------- -------- --------

Plots from the Love Boat

El Kid / The Last Hundred Bucks / Isosceles Triangle

SYNOPSIS: Captain Stubing and Doc fight it out over a gorgeous girl; a couple adopting a child in Mexico gets a seven-year-old streetwise orphan instead of the infant they expected; an unemployed executive mixes business with pleasure when he falls in love with a successful businessman.

STARS: Gavin Macleod, Bernie Kopell, Fred Grandy, Ted Lange, Lauren Tewes

GUEST STARS: Dabney Coleman, Dena Dietrich, Dave Madden, Rue McClanahan, Gabriel Melgar, heather Menzies, Connie Stevens, Robert Urich


Quiet, My Wife's Listening (aka Bugged) / Eye of the Beholder / The Nudist from Sunshine Gardens (aka The Lady from Sunshine Gardens)

SYNOPSIS: A nudist gets help from an attorney when she wants to bare it all on board; an embittered woman thwarts the advances of a fellow passenger; an overly-suspicious man has a surprise in store when he meets a beautiful woman who is not who she seems to be.

STARS: Gavin Macleod, Bernie Kopell, Fred Grandy, Ted Lange, Lauren Tewes, Jill Whelan

GUEST STARS: Barbi Benton, Peter Haskell, Leslie Uggams, David Hedison, Dick Martin, Mary Ann Mobley


That Old Gang of Mine / Love with a Skinny Stranger / Vicki and the Gambler

SYNOPSIS: Captain Stubing becomes concerned about his daughter when his gambler friend has her caught up in the excitement of winning at gambling; a formerly fat man's fat girlfriend is jealous of his new thin physique; three members of an old-time gang hilariously try to rob the ship's vault.

STARS: Gavin Macleod, Bernie Kopell, Fred Grandy, Ted Lange, Lauren Tewes, Jill Whelan

GUEST STARS: Gene Barry, Charles Siebeert, Vicki Lawrence, Kaye Ballard, Jack Gildord, Jesse White

-------- -------- --------

According to the research of one of the Love Boat Fans, the following are RETITLED EPISODES

(old title ---> new title):

$10,000 Lover, The --> For the Record

Curse of the Dumbrowskis, The --> The Successor

Hounded --> A Dog's Life

Isaac's Secret --> Isaac's Teacher

Klondike Carnival --> Pride of the Pacific

Love With a Married Man --> On Second Thought

Not Tonight, Jack! --> Workaholic

Nudist from Sunshine Gardens, The --> The Lady from Sunshine Gardens

Quiet, My Wife's Listening --> Bugged

Seoul Mate --> Foreign Exchange

Starmaker, The ---> Isaac and the Mermaids

Ladies and gentlemen. I bring you the most serious news. Civilisation as we know it is in danger of imminent collapse. 'M' is dead. Our enemies are among us even as I speak. Prompt action is required. A meeting between like-minded people is necessary to allow us to plan our mission to save the universe from destruction. This mission has been code named 'Vegas'.

I have checked your current locations and the most suitable rendezvous point for us all to congregate will be in Edinburgh at the ABC Cinema on the night of Saturday 19 June at exactly 2230 hours. Black tie is the obligatory attire. However, the only foreseeable hitch in this plan concerns you, Agent X, since you also require a meeting with the Man (aka Frankie Sumatra). You will need to use a new identity/code name at the door of this establishment to allow the agents of the door to recognise you since your last transformation.

I will arrange - via this email - for the Man's bodyguards on the door to ask you for both identification (use your false email address) and your code name - for Mission Vegas this will be 'Christine Carr'. On mention of both this name and email address, you (and your token accomplice) will be admitted to the Inner Sanctum where you will be allowed to meet the Man in person. Beware as you may be in danger - good luck Agent X. To the remainder of you, I hope our imminent discussion will be condusive to our victory over our evil enemies.

This email will selfdestruct in 20 seconds.
from Miss Goodthighs

Trivia from Casino Royale (1967)

# Cameos by Frank Sinatra, Sophia Loren, and Barbra Streisand were planned.
# Peter Sellers and Orson Welles hated each other so much that the filming of the scene where both of them face each other across a gaming table actually took place on different days with a double standing in for one of the actors.
# Sellers often caused interruptions by leaving the set for days at a time.
# Numerous screenwriters and directors contributed bits to the film and were uncredited: Billy Wilder (the "Nobody's Perfect" tag line) and Terry Southern (the war room in Berlin) among them.
# An enormous Taj Mahal-type set was designed for the film but never built.

Memorable Quotes from Casino Royale (1967)

Sir James: It's depressing that the words "secret agent" have become synonymous with "sex maniac."

Sir James: The whole world believes that you were eaten by a shark, Miss Lynd. Vesper Lynd: That was no shark. That was my personal submarine. But enough of this polite conversation. What is the purpose of your visit?

[In a building that is about to explode.] Cooper: What's the strategy, sir? Bond: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up!

Frau Hoffner: Hmmm, it is little Otto. He was one of your mother's lovers. We often find him lying around. Mata Bond: Is he dead? Frau Hoffner: Hard to tell. He always looked like that.

Jimmy Bond: You can't shoot me! I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.

[In front of No. 10 Downing Street] Mata Bond: I bet Mummy would've taken me in! Sir James: Mummy took everyone in.

[Upon seeing Mata Hari's bedroom] Mata Bond: Hey, what an enormous bed! Polo: The German army was very large in those days.

Sir James: I remember your chap Lenin very well. First class organizer. Second class mind.

Hey, how else are you going to get a singing vicar to attend?

p.s. that's all for now Vegas - have a nice day

Greetings Vegas beings........

It has taken me 35,000,000 light years to reach your planet from the Fruchian galaxy in search of refreshments and Bert Bacharach music. I heard about your extravaganza from Beezlefug at the Galactic RingDing (the being in the know) who recommended your club from his last visit to Earth. He tells me that it will cost me 10 British pounds to enter this occasion.

However, I have only brought 1,000,000 Drogmas with me as currency and have just discovered that this is only acceptable on the planet Earthworm (foolish Beezlefug and his partial information) so am unable to purchase tickets for myself and my many sparkly companions to attend this event.

We understand we must all be appropriately attired in costumes from your 1950-1970's and have kitted ourselves out accordingly - we have modelled ourselves on TV images we have received on something called 'sit-coms' from these times. I understand you play the splendid 'CopaCabana' which we also model ourselves on.

I am happy to pay in Drogmas if you will accept them, but would like to ask if you can you help me obtain entry to your club another way? I believe there is a VIP list where our names are the only currency required? If you could help me and at least one of my beings to enter your establishment, I would be grateful to the end of my life (which is due to complete at 1434 on September 15 2014 Earth time)

Pleasures to you and your Vegas following Christine (of the planet Indigo)

To my dearest Frankie Sumatra,

I must confess that I am a recent convert to the Vegas services. Not that I am a heathen and go elsewhere, it's just I'm a single mum and don't get out much due to my financial situation. Bore, bore bore - this is not my entry, I'm just giving you a bit of background.

You're probably getting some really outrageous entries that are totally made up but in general, my policy is why tell a lie when the truth is more scandalous. I am of course referring to your last service, Saturday 24th April. It was my 23rd birthday on the 25th so was allowed out for the night with a group of friends. We were dressed in authentic 70s gear and had consumed a fair amount of the holy water before our arrival. I became aware of how merry I was feeling while standing in the queue waiting to enter this new place of worship. Kevin Thomas (ex-Hearts player) was in the queue in front of us sporting a tasteful Elvis wig. I announced to my friends that we shouldn't talk to him as he was a 'complete and utter arse' at the top of my voice. As he was standing right next to me he heard. Fortunately he was in a good mood and did not try to batter me. Instead we chatted for a while about how we have the same birthday - narrow escape.

The second memorable event was that I was getting rather close to a young man who was in my company. Good for her, she pulled, you may be thinking but there is a slight complication. The groovy young man who was holding me in his strong arms was my cousin. Not a second cousin but my first cousin. He's from sheep shagging land and we don't really know each other that well, or we didn't before that night. We got a healthy reprimanding from my friends about the incestuous nature of this relationship but we were 'hot' and couldn't care less what the rest of the world thought.

Shortly afterwards a very good male friend of mine disappeared. His reasoning for abandoning the evening was not apparent until the following day. It turned out he has 'fallen in love with me' (heavy words) and flipped when he saw what was happening. I felt so guilty for hurting my friend.

So why should you give me a free ticket? The main reason is that the last Vegas for me was a wonderful experience at the time but now that I'm sober, it has turned into a mortifying memory. I want to remember Vegas for the fab club that it is, not as one of the most eventful nights of my life. The other reason of course is that I'm part of the hen night, I believe Nicola Cook has told you about it and as I'm skint it would help me out greatly. You really want us there as we are gorgeous divas in our gear.

Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Yours hopefully

Name witheld by Vegas for the sake of decency (Just for reference - I'm the 6ft one that looks like a model)


Take me back to the Vegas Home Page